Written as it happens
Gestational Surrogacy Journey — Real Costs and Real Experience
This section is being written as it happens. I'm documenting everything in real time and will update this as the journey unfolds. What you'll find here is where we are right now — not a finished story.
Surrogacy was never part of our original plan. After four personal failed embryo transfers across three clinics, we made the decision to pursue gestational surrogacy. Our surrogate is a close friend who offered to carry for us — something I will never be able to fully put into words.
This section covers what we've learned about the surrogacy process so far — the legal side, the medical coordination, the costs, and the emotional reality of handing this part of the journey to someone else. I'm sharing it because real information about surrogacy — especially altruistic surrogacy — is incredibly hard to find.
As with everything on this site: this is my personal experience and opinion only. Surrogacy is legally complex and varies significantly by state and country. Always consult a surrogacy attorney before making any decisions.
1. Altruistic vs. Compensated Surrogacy — What's Different
Key Points
- Compensated surrogacy involves paying your surrogate a base compensation — typically $35,000 to $60,000 or more in the US — plus expenses
- Altruistic surrogacy means your surrogate carries for you without compensation beyond covered expenses
- Altruistic surrogacy is rare and deeply personal — it requires someone in your life willing to make an extraordinary sacrifice
- Even in altruistic surrogacy there are real costs — legal fees, medical coordination, life insurance, counseling, monitoring, and more
- Our surrogate is a close friend. We are not paying her compensation. We are covering all pregnancy-related expenses and costs associated with the process.
- Even without surrogate compensation our surrogacy costs so far are approximately $15,000 — and rising
- A fully compensated surrogacy in the US typically costs $100,000 to $200,000+ when all costs are factored in
If someone in your life has offered to be your surrogate — that is one of the most profound gifts another person can give. Take care of them. Cover every expense. Make sure they are legally protected. And don't underestimate the emotional complexity for both of you.
2. The Legal Process — What You Need to Know
Key Points
- Both the intended parents AND the gestational carrier need separate legal representation — you cannot share an attorney
- A surrogacy contract must be in place before any embryo transfer happens
- State laws on surrogacy vary enormously — some states are very surrogacy-friendly, others are not
- Once pregnant you will need to file for a pre-birth order or post-birth order depending on your state — this establishes the intended parents as the legal parents
- Budget for legal costs on both sides — our combined legal costs so far are approximately $3,250
Our Legal Costs So Far
- Surrogacy contract (IP attorney)
- $2,000
- GC legal counsel (surrogate's attorney)
- $1,250
- State filing once pregnant
- $2,000 (anticipated)
- Legal total
- approximately $5,250
A common misconception: you do not need attorneys in your state — you need attorneys in your surrogate's state. The surrogacy contract must be written under the laws of the state where your surrogate lives and where the baby will be born.
Our surrogate is in Texas and will give birth in Texas — so we needed Texas attorneys, not California attorneys. Even though we are based in California, California law does not govern this contract.
This matters for two reasons:
First — make sure you are searching for surrogacy attorneys in your surrogate's state, not your own.
Second — attorney costs vary significantly by state. Texas surrogacy legal fees may be very different from what you'd pay in New York, California, or Florida. Get quotes from attorneys in your surrogate's state specifically and budget accordingly.
The intended parent attorney and the surrogate's attorney will both be in the same state — the surrogate's state. Both sides need separate representation and both will likely be local to where your surrogate is.
3. The Medical Process — How It Works
Key Points
- Your surrogate goes through the embryo transfer process — not the egg retrieval
- Your surrogate will need her own medical screening before being approved to carry
- Both the intended parents and the surrogate need psychological counseling clearance before proceeding
- Your surrogate's OB will manage the pregnancy once it's established — your fertility clinic manages up to the point of a confirmed pregnancy
- Remote monitoring is possible — your surrogate doesn't have to be at your fertility clinic for every appointment
- You will need a gestational carrier coordination fee through your clinic — CNY charges $695 for this
How We Are Managing Medical Coordination
Our surrogate does her monitoring locally at HART Fertility in Sacramento. Bloodwork is done through RequestATest. She then travels to CNY in Syracuse for the actual transfer. CNY manages her protocol remotely and coordinates with local monitoring.
This setup works well logistically — she doesn't have to travel to New York for every appointment, only for the transfer itself.
Our Surrogate's Transfer History
FET #5 — Victory Reproductive Care, December 2, 2024
Our first attempt with our surrogate was at Victory Reproductive Care in Canada. The protocol was a modified natural cycle — but without a trigger shot to precisely control ovulation timing.
The transfer failed. Whether the lack of a trigger shot contributed to the outcome we cannot say with certainty — there are many reasons a transfer can fail and we will never know the exact cause. What I can say is that imprecise ovulation timing is a known variable, and it is one of the reasons I specifically requested a trigger shot for our next attempt.
FET #6 — CNY Fertility, Upcoming
Our next surrogate transfer will be at CNY Fertility in Syracuse. I have specifically requested:
- Modified natural cycle
- Trigger shot to precisely control ovulation timing
- No birth control pretreatment
- Progesterone testing before and after transfer
This is the transfer we are currently preparing for. I will update this section with the outcome as it happens.
If you are pursuing surrogacy and doing a modified natural cycle — ask specifically whether your clinic uses a trigger shot to control ovulation timing. The difference between a triggered and untriggered natural cycle is not always explained clearly, and it matters for transfer timing precision.
4. Life Insurance for Your Surrogate
This is something many people don't think about until they're already in the process — and it's important.
Your surrogate should have life insurance in place before any embryo transfer. Pregnancy carries risk, and your surrogate is taking on that risk for you. Many standard life insurance policies have exclusions for surrogacy — make sure her policy specifically covers surrogacy pregnancy.
Our surrogate's life insurance costs approximately $43 per month — a monthly ongoing expense for the duration of the process.
5. Real Costs So Far
All costs are out of pocket. No insurance has covered any part of our surrogacy process.
| Category | Cost |
|---|---|
| Sonohysterogram (surrogate screening) | $625 |
| Bloodwork (RequestATest) | $883 |
| Surrogate embryo transfer (Victory) | $4,097 |
| Bloodwork post-transfer | $209 |
| Surrogacy contract (IP attorney) | $2,000 |
| GC legal counsel (surrogate's attorney) | $1,250 |
| Life insurance (monthly, ongoing) | $43/month |
| Monitoring ultrasounds (HART Fertility) | $1,200 |
| IP counseling | $340 |
| GC counseling | $490 |
| Vitamin D blood test | $61 |
| Ferritin blood test | $31 |
| GC coordination (CNY) | $695 |
| Bloodwork (Quest) | $39.72 |
| Flights (travel to Canada for transfer) | ~$2,951 |
| Total so far | ~$15,014 |
This does not include surrogate compensation — our surrogate is carrying altruistically. A compensated surrogacy in the US typically adds $35,000 to $60,000+ in surrogate base compensation alone, plus additional expense reimbursements.
Ongoing monthly supplement subscriptions for surrogate (prenatal, omega, iron, probiotic): approximately $182/month
State filing costs once pregnant (approximately $2,000) are not yet included in this total. Total anticipated surrogacy costs for us — without surrogate compensation — are estimated at $17,000 to $20,000+. A fully compensated surrogacy in the US typically costs $100,000 to $200,000+ when all costs are factored in.
6. The Emotional Reality
Surrogacy is complicated emotionally in ways that are hard to fully articulate until you're in it.
There is profound gratitude — our surrogate is doing something extraordinary for us. There is also a loss of control that is different from anything else in this process. You are no longer the one going through the injections, the monitoring, the two week wait. Someone else is carrying your embryo. Someone else's body holds the outcome you've been working toward for years.
Our surrogate is a close friend. She profusely apologized to me early on for not checking in more during my personal transfer cycles — she didn't fully understand what I was going through until she was in it herself. That moment of recognition between us was one of the most meaningful things to come out of this entire journey.
There is no roadmap for the emotional complexity of altruistic surrogacy between friends. What I can say is: communicate constantly, appreciate explicitly, and remember that she is doing something that cannot be repaid.
7. What's Coming
This section will be updated as our journey continues. What I plan to add:
- Our surrogate's CNY transfer protocol in full
- The outcome of FET #6
- Lessons learned from the full surrogacy process
- More detailed guidance on finding a surrogate, working with agencies vs. independent matching, and navigating the legal process
- Resources for intended parents pursuing surrogacy
Follow along in real time on TikTok @Life.Past.PlanA
This Section Is Growing
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